***Used by permission***

Dangers in the Community

by  Leashed Phoenix

August 2001

Part 1 - Drugs and Alcohol

Yes, I know everyone has heard that you don't mix alcohol and drugs with BDSM play. It seems though that in realtime, this rule is often not adhered to. I hear more and more of those drinking at the clubs, then turning around and strapping a submissive to some device, then proceeding to scene.

I will admit right here, that I have never been to one of these clubs, as they aren't legal where I am. I do however, have quite a few friends that frequent such establishments. Word does get around, more so when subs are harmed by someone that's had too much to drink to remain in control.

If a person is planning to scene, they should wait until afterwards to start drinking. No big deal, enjoy your drinks later, while watching others and their scenes, or enjoying the companionship of friends.

Being in complete control is an ability a real Dominant takes pride in. How can you control a submissive, protect her, make sure that nothing goes wrong, when you've just spent a couple hours at the bar downing a few? How can you control your Dominant needs, that can, even in a sober state take so much to control? How can you be totally aware of any distress the submissive my be in, if you're feeling on top of the world from alcohol?

This works both ways though. Should a half drunk submissive be allowed to scene? No way, alcohol works as a pain killer. What's going to stop a Dominant from hurting her when she's flying too high to realize she's being harmed? Who can tell whether she's in sub space, or just too drunk to give a flip as to what's happening to her? More so, if both the Top and bottom have been drinking.

Then you have the single people coming in looking for someone to scene with. Dominants as well as subs, should take time in getting to know the players, before deciding on who is safe to scene with. Your best bet is to watch for your first few visits. Look at the regular faces, figure out which spend a lot of time at the bar drinking. This is a pretty good sign that this person should be avoided at all costs. The point of going is to enjoy yourself and you don't need alcohol to do so.

Drugs are another problem, but people aren't sitting at a drug bar, so they aren't as easy to detect. Here you have to use common sense. If you're old enough to be in a club, you should know when someone's behavior isn't normal. Red or glassy eyes, impaired speech patterns, lack of coordination, nervousness, short attention span, shaking hands/body, are all good indications that a person is under the influence of some form of drug.

Top or Bottom, it is you're responsibility to make sure your keeping it safe, sane and consensual, as well as drug and alcohol free.

Part 2 - Don't Let Charm Fool You

If you're interested in someone in the local scene, don't be fooled by charm. Just because they are standing in front of you and you feel like they're a nice person, don't fail to check them out.

I'm sure just about everyone at one time or another, has met someone and later found out they had another side, one that the public doesn't see. Well, in this lifestyle it's very common. In this lifestyle you're expected to hold the respect of the community, or you simply become an out cast. Therefore, those that have flaws, tend to master the art of hiding them from their peers.

Unlike the flaws in part one, alcohol and drug abuse, this side of a person is normally very hard to see, unless you're living with them. I've been there and lived through it. I know very well how an abusive person can hide that side of themselves from the public. One that everyone met and adored, one that charmed everyone. One who's temper was way out of control, one who now resides in the Florida State Prison system, because of the abuse, others couldn't see.

Quite often in this community we look at someone's ability to play well with their toys and forget, that playing with toys doesn't make a person a Dominant. I own floggers and I'm sure if I had the desire, I could learn to use them as well as anyone else can. I still wouldn't know the first thing about being Dominant. You can be Dominant without owning a toy, or knowing how to use them. Dominance is a state of mind, one that takes years to master. In this day everyone wanting to read a little online will turn around and call themselves a Master. This doesn't make it so, one must first master themselves, before they can begin to Master someone else. This takes study, patients and hopefully a good teacher.

Knowing someone in the community, calling them a friend, isn't a sure bet that you really know them. Unless you're with them while they are having private time at home, you don't really have a clue as to what's going on behind their closed doors. Even at a private party in their home, you will only see what you're allowed to see. Someone that wants your respect, isn't going to go so far as to abuse their submissive in front of anyone.

In this community, we see couples break up and tend to side with one or the other. If the submissive of a respected Dominant claims the break up is due to abuse, most tend not to believe this is possible. Even go as far as trying to ruin the submissive, to protect their friend. Do you really know both sides of the story. Did you live alone with this friend and see how he treats his submissive in private?

Just because someone is good with toys and puts on a good scene in public, doesn't mean they can't be abusive in private. We have to learn the ability to listen to both sides of the story when a D/s couple breaks up. Not take sides and possibly allow someone that is abusive continue to invade our community. We each have a responsibility to protect each other, as well as the lifestyle that we embrace. Allowing abuse is one thing that gives the BDSM lifestyle a bad name. It's also something that will chase good submissives away from the lifestyle. Robbing the community of someone that should have been protected and cherished.

I'm not asking anyone to believe every time a submissive yells abuse. Being released can and does cause some to become mean spirited and they will say untruths. I'm just saying, that we should all take time to examine both sides of the story before making instant judgments.

If we don't, in such a close community, the next one they abuse, could be someone you hold dear.